centered - (12/18/08)

music centers me. i realize that i get most stressed when i run out of time to play guitar or sing or play piano. it calms me. and it excites me to learn new challenging songs or discover new singers i like. my life and emotions seem to revolve around music. i get bored with life if i've been listening to the same old music over and over again. i listen to what reflects my mood at the moment. or my mood reflects what i'm listening to at the moment. i'm not sure which way it works. i don't often listen to screamo. and it takes a lot for me to get really mad. coincidence? i'm pretty chill most of the time. and my favorite kind of music is acoustic stuff. random unrelated facts? i think not. i like songs that are pretty standard, but they throw a little something in it to make you smile. whether it makes sense or not. it just makes you smile or laugh. maybe that's what i want to be like? i like songs that make you think. i don't like songs with dumb lyrics that don't make sense, that don't make a difference. i like songs that make a difference to someone who listens to them. maybe that reflects me? i like songs i can relate to. i like people i can relate to and i want people to be able to relate to me. i like songs that are honest, not songs that pretend. in life too. i like songs that grab you deep down inside of you and then wrench emotions out of you you didn't even know were in you. songs that make you fall to your knees, that humble you. songs that slap you in the face. unique songs. i don't like whiny songs. at all. i like songs that expose the writer for who they really are. i think that is why music centers me. it subconsciously reminds me of all these things. it calms me. it reminds me of the good times past and gives me hope for the future. it lets me express things in ways nothing else can.

truth and beauty - (11/06/08)

truth and beauty. those two words go together. true people are beautiful. there's just something attractive about the,. something that draws you to them, like a magnet. you want to be with them and talk to them, because they're real and you want to be real. so you think that some of their realness will rub off on you or radiate onto you if you spend enough time with them. i think that's why nature is beautiful. it's reality. the bluebonnets along texas highways are beautiful because they are. they don't like to you or try to present you with something fake. they just are bluebonnets. and sicamore trees are beautiful when their bark's pealing and their leaves are turning. the only dash of leaf color in clear lake. they're real. even trees are beautiful in the dead of winter. they're beautiful because they're real. they don't fake life. tree's can't put on a smile and say everything's okay. there is no faking it. not like with people. some people seem like the greenest oak tree in spring on the outside but inside they're the dead of winter. no leaves, no fruit, just cold. tree's can't fake it. they are what they are. i don't understand fake plants. it's like people don't want to risk the sight of a dead tree. it's too real. they have to be alive and pretty all the time. fake plants. isn't that an oximoron? plants are real. they are life. if you fakeify them, they aren't plants. they're not even worthy of having the word plant in their name. that's not what they are. i think solomon had it right: there is a time to be born and a time to die.

i am thankful for... (11/27/08)

this is the typical topic. i bet there's a million people writing about this subject this weekend. but it's kind of unifying knowing that people all across the world are thinking of what they're thankful for. so i will write about it. no matter how cliche. i am thankful for...my family and my friends of course. but this year i am especially thankful for the vast number of opportunities i've been given. yes, things have changed. some were inevitable. some were conscious choices. but they've all given me new opportunities. opportunities to lead, to talk, to use the gifts God's given me. to develop gifts, friendships, relationships. yes, i am thankful for my family. but this year i'm thankful for the opportunities i've had to be with my family and they opportunities my family has had to do things. yes, i am thankful for my friends. but i'm thankful for the opportunities i've had to grow with my friends. to talk and deepen our relationships. to really get to know them. now by opportunity i don't necessarily mean experiences, because i may not have seized all the opportunities i've been given this year. but i did seize a great many. and looking back i can recognize the opportunities. and realize i'm blessed to be given these. how many people would kill to have some of the opportunities i've had. so i am grateful. i give thanks. i may not have been happy about them at that point, but now i am grateful. i may have complained and fought and avoided them at all possible costs. i may have cried over missed chances and i may regret choices i've made. but i have grown in the last year because of them. some of them sucked. but they were opportunities to grow. to show strength through pain. and i am a better, wiser, stronger person this year because of them. and i am a more thankful person than i was last year. happy thanksgiving.

stars (10/01/08)

i like stars a lot. i get really excited when i can go outside my house and see more than 3 stars. i like that stars are the same everywhere. they're the same here, in the texas hill country, in colorado, in mexico, even in uganda. but it threw me off when i looked up at the sky in south africa and they weren't the same. different constellations. no big dipper, no ursa major, no belt. it threw me off. but then again, it throws me off when i can see more than 3 stars too. i'm so used to seeing just the few stars you can see in houston. while i was at camp in colorado this summer, i was floored the first night i was there. we walked outside after church group time and, on our way back to the cabins, i looked up and they were everywhere. it was so beautiful. like someone did one of those thrown paint paintings: white on black. they were everywhere. so, despite the cold, which i'm not used to in july, a couple of friends and i lay down in the middle of the road. we had to stop and look at them. for a few minutes people stood around us and stared down at us with that look in their eyes of "what in the world? why are are you laying in the middle of the road?" "the stars!" that's all we could say. someone pulled out their guitar and played us some soothing acoustic background music and then slowly people started fading away. just me and my 2 friends stayed. the soothing music faded as the guitar headed back to its cabin, but we stayed. rocks were poking awkwardly into our backs, but we couldn't move for the beauty. finally the adults came with their flashlights shining fake light at us and we went back to our cabin. but we will never forget that night.

umbrellas and elephants (9/8/08)

"growing up the rain sort of remains on the branches of the trees that will someday rule the earth. and it's good that there is rain. it clears the month of your sorry rainbow expressions and clears the streets of the silent armies...so we can dance."

i love poetic descriptions of rain because it's common to everyone. we've all seen how the rain sort of remains on the branches of the trees. and i love the description of sorry rainbow expressions. kind of like the way a little bit of rain can bring a little bit of sadness to your happy-go-luckyness. not even sadness. more reality. rain. i've heard many good descriptions of it over the years. "the clouds shedding their tears." "dropplet drummers leading a complex beat increasing speed." can't you just imagine that? a million tiny drummers all beating together. not in unison, but still together. and never constant, always increasing. "the window panes filling with tears." i love lyrics you can picture and you realize that's exactly how you've always wanted to describe it. i love the smell of rain too. actually it's the smell of potential rain; right before a rainstorm. it's such a fresh, clean smell. it's so hard to describe. i don't know why all the people who make candles try to capture it. they never get it exactly right. it's one of those smells in nature that you can never quite capture. you just have to savor and experience them while they're there and look forward to the next time they'll come. well, i guess you can't look forward to a smell. can you smell forward? i think you can. i'm smelling forward to coffee right now. and the smell of fall in the air, and that one cologne that smells so good, and the smell of fresh air. i mean real fresh air, not this chemical junk they stuff up our nostrils everyday in houston. i'm smelling forward to rain. rain that'll clear the streets of the silent armies....so we can dance.

africa (9/30/08)

in natalie goldberg's book "writing down the bones," she says to write about your obsessions. so in my several months of writing practice, i've discovered my obsessions. music. coffee. africa. this writing is about africa. so many stories. stories that make me smile or cry or laugh or all of those at once. it's so raw, so real. you get dirty. there are no shiny cars, wasted hummers, manicured lawns. none of this crap about whose house we watch "the office" at. it's real. people don't put on a fake face to see you. they come to church and they dance and yell and drum and sing, and it's the most beautiful sound in the world. because it's reality, it's not a false perception. these people are infected with a life-killing disease and they still praise. their kids can't go to school because they don't have money for uniforms, because no one would sponsor them once they tested positive. they still sing. everyone within the pale white walls of the church has been affected in some way. their husbands or wives or brothers or sisters or daughters or sons or mothers or fathers have died from this killer. but they still dance. because God's real to them. they've seen him work in mysterious ways. they haven't just heard about how Jesus used to heal people; they've been healed. their perception of Jesus embracing people isn't the sunday school posters of white Jesus with a perfect beard and two little white boys on his lap; they've felt the sweet embrace of the savior of the universe. but they can't fathom the universe. their world's turned upside down when they discover the earth is round. a space shuttle? the international space station? you've been to space? what? it doesn't matter. because they know God. perhaps in a more real way than anyone here in the confines of america ever could.

begin again

i've been doing writing practice this school year from natalie goldberg's book "writing down the bones," and the writings have just been staying in my notebook. recently i decided that i should release them into the world. the wide world of the internet. so they may ramble and they may be no good (after all, you are free to "write the worst junk in america" according to natalie), but they're here if you're curious. oh, and for those of you who don't know what writing practice is...first of all i would say to read natalie's book, but a quick description of it...you have a topic, a notebook and a pen and you write. whatever comes you your mind, you put it on the page. no editing, no erasing, no scratching out. just raw writing. so these posts will be my attempts at writing practice...slightly edited. i hope to have one up here every week, but it may end up being every two weeks. we'll see how it goes. this is quite the experiment for me. okay, well, here goes nothing. hope you enjoy my ramblings.