shoes - (11/11/08)

i've always heard that your shoes say a lot about you. well, my shoes died a couple of days ago. i was quite attached to them. it's gonna be painful to throw them away. but there are holes at the edge of the fabric where my toes bend and at the very back of the heels. and where the elastic opens up to swallow your foot is tearing off. so i decided i needed to get new shoes. if nothing else, just to say to the people who look at my shoes that i'm not falling apart. but i don't know, maybe your shoes speak your subconscious. so anyways, i decided to kind of copy my friends idea of decoration your own shoes. so i went and bought some $14.99 white slip-on vans style shoes at payless. plain white canvas. i was kind of scared of them at first. it's like free reign. you can draw whatever you want. and so, reflecting my personality, i started on that tiny strap on the back of the shoe that no one ever sees. one horizontal line, two, three. color, color, color, until a keyboard appears. tah dah! and the other shoe. c, d, e, f, g, a, b. now i'm a little more confident. i can do this. they won't look stupid. so i work on the insole of the shoe where not too many people will see. beatles lyrics. some diamonds. throw in some red and silver to make it a little more exciting. a sun rises out of the calling of a blank canvas on the other side. rays shine out. now i copy a papercut banner and make some stained glass. a few dots here, a few lines there, a little plaid and some swirlyness and a shoe's done! i have the parts i like and the parts i don't like so much, but it's my shoe. no one else will ever have another like it. go for the other one. stars. large, smaller, medium, fading, fading, fading to little dots. the other side. i decide to be bold and start at the toe. some more stained glass. i like the way it turned out. make another sun whose rays fade into the glass. a few more lines, coloring and i've got a pair of shoes. my shoes. now i can't be ashamed to wear them. i have to be proud of them. they are me. i have to not be afraid to get them dirty either. a little rain, mud, sand, dirt, coffee...it'll only make them more a part of me. these shoes will go to san antonio, dallas, floresville, downtown houston, abilene. many many many coffee shops. and many trips to freebirds. they'll press piano pedals and prolong the sound of hammers hitting strings. they'll see the dirty floors of small concert venues. many houses. many streets. many cars. they'll accelerate and they'll brake. and they'll break. someday. they'll probably end up with holes in them just where my others were. but they'll be more than a piece of clothing to me when i finally have to retire them.

why do i write? - (11/06/08)

i write to understand. to make sense of happenings. writing looks a little less crazy than talking to yourself, but produces the same effects. i have these thoughts bouncing around in my brain and writing (or talking to myself alone in the car on a long dark road at night with only the deer watching) helps to keep them from going out of control. sometimes it feels like there are molecule thoughts and they speed up and collide and my brain starts to boil and i freak out. writing keeps them from boiling. keeps them at room temperature.

i write to be heard. for whatever reason, people don't listen to me. i don't know if i talk too quiet or if it's because i'm a girl or i'm short or what. but it's a fact of life. most people don't listen to me. but people do read what i write.

i write because i respect writers. especially songwriters and poets. i admire them. i'd love to write poetry, lyrics like jack johnson, jon foreman, derek webb, andy whats-his-face, kimya dawson. i think they are great writers. they lyrics connect to me and i want to connect to others with stuff i write.

i write because it's not permanent. spoken words are. you can't rewind and change your words. you can write pages and then erase them or scratch them out or tear them out and crumple them up and play dunderball with them. they're not stuck in eternity, forever. but...

i write because words are permanent. if you choose them to be. they can evoke feelings and memories and tastes and smells. writing can bring back memories you haven't thought about in years. or things you've never thought about. or things you think about all the time.

i write because it's necessary for me. writing keeps me sane. writing keeps me humble. keeps me open, keeps me thoughtful, keeps me observant, keeps me meaningful, keeps me wild, keeps me human. writing unifies. writing is beauty. writing makes sense even if the words or sentences don't.

that's why i write.